What I Learned from Dating a Pathological Liar

With love,
Pauline Raphaela

~ If they lie to you, they will lie about you ~

Photo by Ivan Samkov from Pexels.

I’ve had many discussions with individuals about what constitutes a lie. We know there exists little white lies, half-truths, lies of omission, and straight forward lies which are complete untruths. Whatever the case, all lies have one thing in common; to cover something up that the liar doesn’t want revealed. If a lie needs to be told, something is wrong. Untruths are told to protect the image, lifestyle, addictions, or insecurities of the person, and to keep you hooked into them for some personal gain which is a narcissistic trait. The narcissist can be a master at making you fall in love with them. They need your attention and want you to serve them or I should say, their ego. They can be sweet, charming, and seductive touching your vulnerable spots, getting you to open up trust in them.

They already know your areas of weakness, and play into it by making you feel confident, loved, supported or whatever you need, they provide it, until you’ve fallen for them, and then the games begin.

There are variying degrees of narcissism. Not all narcissists are evil. However, they all have one thing in common; big egos, no sense of self, or power. Mostly what these individuals are looking for are sensitive people they can control and manipulate. From their twisted perception these behaviors bring them a sense of power. Pathological lies don’t have to be grandiose. They can be small pieces of information that create a story to support what a person wants you to believe.

It’s possible you and this type of person fall in love! But it won’t last because a relationship cannot be built on lies. Ultimately they will sabotage a good relationship due to feeling unworthy, and the lies will continue.

I’m not talking about a situation that isn’t harmful. For example: a person believes they look amazing with red hair, and you don’t think it’s the best color for them and say, “It looks nice.” I’m talking about harmful lies that indicate a person is doing or being something other than what they portray.

Anyone who has been in this type of relationship understands how damaging it can be. If you are in such a relationship, I hope this brings clarity. You are worth being treated with grace, love and honesty.

12 Red Flags to watch out for:

  1. They lie to themselves about what is ethical, honest and appropriate.
  2. The stories they tell from the past or present aren’t consistent. Once a story is offered they rarely want to revisit it because they don’t remember what they told you.
  3. Explanations given don’t make logical sense regarding odd situations that occur in your relationship with them.
  4. When they are with you their cell phone isn’t visible, it’s locked, and they become defensive about maintaining their privacy.
  5. Phone calls or texts sent in the evening aren’t always returned. The next day the excuse is, “I fell asleep.” This becomes a constant excuse.
  6. All or most prior relationships didn’t work out because the other person was crazy or had issues.
  7. Names of female/male friends you never heard of after dating for an extended time are suddenly mentioned.
  8. Texting seems abundant during the day, silent or sparse by night.
  9. The inability to communicate as an adult to resolve issues, and provide reassurance to you is offered by a trite expression or phrase, or is non-existent. Real, heartfelt communication isn’t present.
  10. Their avoidant personality will shut down, and shut you down to stop communication. They don’t want to hear it! They become annoyed if you don’t fully trust them.
  11. You start doubting yourself and what you intuitively feel is accurate.
  12. They are secretive, not completely open with you, and you feel they are holding back information, and they are.

When such a person is actually caught in a lie with no real explanation, responses can range from, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, it was a knee jerk reaction, you seem to know it all, and the world according to (your name.)” When this starts to happen, it’s time to say goodbye for your sanity and self-preservation.

These experiences are meant to promote stronger Self Love…and so I did. I learned to love myself more and realized how resilient I am. Naivety transformed into healthy discernment. I am able to forgive through understanding of the karmic reason this circumstance entered my life. Through the healing I ascend into Divine Love.

Love yourself first. You are strong, resilient, and worthy!